I may not be the most qualified person to give advice on this topic… But I think that my 10 and half month’s worth of experience is enough. Granted it’s not long enough to make me sound like a guru of any kind or even provide you with enough philosophical insight to make me seem vaguely perceptive. However, having said all of that, I have come to learn a few things and it would be a crime not to share the smidgen that I know.
1. Accept that things will be different
No matter how much you profess that marriage will not change you and how much your heart is still the same single and otherwise, the fact of the matter is that things have changed. As a person you do not exist in a vacuum. There are external (and sometimes) internal forces always at play. You can both ignore them and be miserable that life isn’t the way you wanted it to turn out. Or you can put your big girl panties on and learn to work around them. When my husband and I moved to Cape Town to be closer to his ailing mother I didn’t fully realize how much our time together will be interrupted by family business. We spent all our time seeing to her medical and social needs. It easy to come out second to a terminally ill mother but we made sure that we did all her errands together. I guess I was lucky that we were both not working. And even though things were markedly different, we made sure that we always had each other in sight.
2. Cook the books
Now everybody knows that men don’t like being broke. It makes them feel like they are not doing enough to take care of their family. So I figured if I wanted to endear myself to my husband that I better put my accounting skills to use. Mind you I hated accounting at school. But this was something that I had to do… Anyway, my husband had indirectly given me control of the finances; if he wanted to buy new takkies (aka sneakers) he’d ask me first. I thought this was weird at first. I’m like hello! Why does he feel like he needs to run everything by me…? But I soon realised that he wanted me to be aware of what was happening to our finances. So I kinda went one up and decided that I will cook the books. I bought a file and kept all our bills and slips therein and started an income statement. I decided that a budget wasn’t good enough if we didn’t take account of how we actually spent the money at the end of the month. I’ve since learned that we actually spend R500 on bread. So to save money we bake some of the bread we need during the month. And I’ve also learned a man who saves money is a happy man.
3. Adopt a pet
Now this might seem like a strange piece of advice… But there is something about taking care of a pet that makes people less selfish. We didn’t have to buy a dog as my husband had one when he left home. Helping him take care of his dog, Kaido, which is now my dog too has been such a blessing to us both. We have something that we can do together that always brings us joy. I have an idea what kind of father he’ll be just from watching him take care of Kaido. And even if we couldn’t have children I’m assured that he’ll take care of me too when/if I become incapacitated. I’ve also come to realise that he’s the fun one and I’m the one who’s a disciplinarian. Ultimately seeing how sensitive he is to Kaido’s needs has re-affirmed to me that I made the right decision.
Now my list is not very extensive. But then again, I get bored reading a long list of things to do. I’ve just focused on the few that have made a difference to me. Like a said earlier, it’s just a smidgen.
